a deviation from the norm: my thoughts

i like entertaining the idea of love. i mean, im more or less a skeptic, dont get me wrong. its far more plausible for me to imagine that the random act of kindness i received today on the bus to be just that, random and not some supreme-being-initiated intervention lifting my spirits just when i need it...and love is no less fantastic than the miraculous intervention of the ethereal. and yet, and yet i cant seem to give it up. it makes sense to me viscerally. it gives me purpose and makes my stay here credible in a way. this same defense has been used by others in the apologies of God so i guess i have to give them their due credence. but i hope you understand what i mean when i say visceral. of course im no writer so ill have to refer you to Hemingway. he puts words to what i feel. so i suppose that what i do, what i am doing, what i will be doing...these things are secondary to sucking out that nectar, to not missing the point, my point, in life. is it baking bread...probably not. is it working for an NGO...as nice as that sounds, thats just not me. a professor, oh yes, a professor, long have i entertained the notion that the future would find me tweed clad behind a lectern. but what the hell do i want to know endless things about...and perhaps an even better question: what do i have the ability to know endless things about? i wish i was having more fun with my mid tweenties crisis. i wish i was living it up...fast and furious (in no way referencing the bad movies.) the notion is romantic enough, is it not? lots of drink and drunkeness, adventures, passion. the time is right for such galavanting. fuck the cause, right? im afraid im not made right for such things...i have broken or missing pieces or maybe its the other way around although i doubt the true way of things is the straight and boring. truth is generally dirtier, scratched and stained - i hope you've figured that one out already. im a late bloomer as it turns out, and only came to these realizations recently. so dont feel too bad if you havent. you're in company, whether its good or bad, i will leave up to you to judge, but at least you're not alone because thats a shitty place to be.